my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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