ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
