Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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