everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
