If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
