I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
