The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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