I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
