did you get engaged???
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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