just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
