More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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