our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
