I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
