love makes seman taste better
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
