Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
