I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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