I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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