Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
