I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
