I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
