my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
