I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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