The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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