Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
