when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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