Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
