Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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