And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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