onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
