Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
