My hair reeks of homosexuality.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
