Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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