How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
