Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I could fuck to npr.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
