Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
