theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
