you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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