I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
