i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
