i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
