I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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