so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Sober January is a disaster.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
