Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
