my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
