I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
