Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
