On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She's JV to your varsity
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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