im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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