o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
