soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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