i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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